Occasionally people say shit that haunts me. I’ve been mulling this one over for a few months. It had a huge impact. Among two reasons this is one that I am so committed to being honest and working on myself. I didn’t realize how terrified of connection I was until this moment. Though it is a huge source of pain in my life, you could have screamed it at me all day long, wouldn’t have mattered. People have tried, my husband especially. This was the right question at the right moment, when I was craving connection more than anything in the world. And I heard it, it hit me like a punch to the gut.
“What are you thinking?” Me: “nothing, just looking at the curtains blowing in the wind.”….this is an obvious answer of avoidance as is typical with me. I was thinking a great deal of things, happy things, amusing things, deep things, simply how much I was enjoying myself. “would you tell me what you were thinking if you knew the world was going to end?” Me: “no, yes, maybe, I dunno….” I literally stuttered, shaken, how the fuck do I answer that? Thanks for having the grace to change the subject, my panic was embarrassingly obvious.
Hit me like a freight train that I am impossibly terrified of letting anyone in, even when I want to. I enjoy meaningful conversations but not at risk to me, not when I’m not in control. Not at risk of honest emotion when I don’t know the outcome. The obvious answer is yes, ask me anything. I want to know you, I’ll share some vulnerability. For me the obvious answer is no. You don’t want to know the shit in my head. Or at least I’m afraid to tell you because you’ll hate me or love me and either way I’m not ok with that. I just want to exist as unscathed as possible.
It is a miserable way to live life. It’s lonely, tiring, and ultimately it strikes down any relationship I may ever try to have. Friends, lovers ect. No one wants that. I’m a fun loving shell of an individual, which IS fun for a minute until you realize it, normal humans want more than that. They want something behind the walled up shit that I’ve never been capable of sharing. The irony is how “real” everyone thinks I am. It’s easy for me to share stuff the way I do because it’s all surface stuff. It’s a distraction and frankly I enjoy that. Keeps people at bay.
They say recognizing a problem is the first step, I always had an idea. But truly it haunts me now. I would move the moon to change it. Unfortunately we can’t move moons only change our perspective and even that seems nearly impossible.