It’s been few months since my separation. Truthfully I knew it was coming when I was overseas. I remember sitting on that balcony in Bosnia, we had just had a really nice conversation on the phone. The only nice one the whole month I was over there.
He said he was willing to be there for me while I tried to work through this shit I’m trying to work out from my past. Truth was, I knew he didn’t have it in him. And that’s ok. I never have needed him like that and that has been a major trouble in our relationship. I don’t need anyone like that. I am better off on my own, happier.
We took the kids out to a lake in the middle of nowhere last weekend together. It was nice. We hang out a lot. He said he feels bad, that it was his own shortcomings, basically not being strong enough that caused us not to last. And it is. I would have kept holding on even though I was miserable. I don’t have an ounce of quit in me even when I should.
Truth was I never wanted to be married or any of this but I did it for a decade. For 7 years of it I had dinner on the table with a fuckin smile I was the perfect wife. Saying that out loud to him now, all these years later that I never wanted to be married, never wanted this life. It hurts but it feels freeing in the biggest way. And there is no hate between us. It is nice. Hell we knew each other for a couple weeks when we got married really. And for me it was a bus ticket back to Michigan or this guy that asked me to marry him. I didn’t have a choice. Its amazing ever we made it at all, 10 years, well that’s a miracle.
So here I am now, about to be 32, alone, happier than I can ever remember. I wake up every day with actual positive thoughts about life. I have plans and know that they are actually going to work out if I keep my eye on the ball. This terrified, sheltered, shell of a woman I was for so many years is dead. I am free. I can breathe. I have a shit ton of healing to do, I am working on that. All these scars from my past, they don’t just go away and I’ll never have a normal relationship with anyone until I work on that.
The horses they help. They are the first things in my life besides a couple of old cowboys I’ve ever found that I cant lie to. I have to tell them the truth, give to them, or they wont give to me. That shit is healing my soul. Its making me brave enough so maybe one day share that with humans too.
I crave intimacy sometimes, not like normal people do though I think. That was always a problem with me in our relationship too. I have such a damaged relationship with sex just the idea of trying to find a partner for that that doesn’t in some way hurt me more is brutal for me. Not on my agenda. No offense to guys but my level of trust is about zero at this point. I can’t offer the kind of attachment people want but I’m not willing to sleep around either. It’s difficult.
So I bought a plane ticket to Iraq. I am going the end of Sept for a couple of weeks. I need to go see where the first societies started, mostly meet these people so barely out of a war, living in this way. This eternal desert and Mesopotamia they are calling my name. I’ve been mulling this over since I was in Bosnia. And well…the day I decided I wanted to see the Sahara was a great decision so I’m going to ride this one out too. I think there is something to trusting your gut. Some things are meant to be.
That’s basically where I’m at in life. I watch my kids during the day, train my horses. Ride out at the ranch Battle Born is staying at every night. My RV is fucking awesome. Loving the tiny living idea. It works for me and my lifestyle, I’m there like 2 hours a day or to sleep. Basically life is good, and busy :) I wouldn’t really change anything. I end almost every day riding out on the open range these days on my wild fucking horse that my Patrons help me adopt….it’s amazing.